Lightning strikes • Inside my chest to keep me up at night • Dream of ways to make you understand my pain
Clouds of sulfur in the air • Bombs are falling everywhere • It’s heartbreak warfare • Once you want it to begin • No one really ever wins • In heartbreak warfare
If you want more love • Why don’t you say so • If you want more love • Why don’t you say so
Drop his name • Push it in and twist the knife again • Watch my face • As I pretend to feel no pain, pain, pain
Clouds of sulfur in the air • Bombs are falling everywhere • It’s heartbreak warfare • Once you want it to begin • No one really ever wins • In heartbreak warfare
If you want more love • Why don’t you say so • If you want more love • Why don’t you say so • Just say so
How come the only way to know how high you get me • Is to see how far I fall • God only knows how much I’d love you if you let me • But I can’t break through at all
It’s heart, heartbreak warfare
I don’t care if we don’t sleep at all tonight • Let’s just fix this whole thing now • I swear to God we’re gonna get it right • If you lay your weapon down • Red wine and ambien • You’re talking shit again • It’s heartbreak warfare • Good to know it’s all a game • Disappointment has a name • It’s heartbreak, heartbreak
It’s heartbreak warfare…
This past weekend was a full on post-birthday celebration and let’s just say, IT.WAS.A.BLAST! Apologies for the flood of posts about to come your way.
Friday night started with a Italian birthday dinner and flowing wine at Via Della Pace in the East Village. Our group had the cozy basement all to ourselves for the majority of dinner where we enjoyed delicious bruschettas, classic pastas and wonderful conversation. A warm thank you to Jodi for putting it all together.
I had to reblog this simply becaue Via Della Pace is fantastical. When I was in NYC last month, this was where I stopped for my first meal in the city. Lobster ravioli in a vodka cream sauce. Heaven in my mouth, thank you very much. And to top it off, when I walked by the next morning, Gossip Girl was filming outside!
Too good to pass up. Aaron… I don’t know who you are, but thank you for having the gall to say what we all think!
“Finally, both a sign and a consequence of emotional shutdown is relationship anemia, the crumbling of formerly solid intimate relationships. Such disconnections from loved ones, frequently a spouse, is an unwelcome sign of alienation from your true self. It requires much self-reflection or help from a mental health professional to gain sufficient awareness of the real nature of such a situation, or else you may be fooled into believing that the problems stem exclusively from your loved one and not from your emotional shutdown.”
As I was perusing the aisles at Barnes & Noble this afternoon, I stumbled across this gem hidden deep inside The Mindful Medical Student. I can never quite tell if reading things like this makes me feel better, or worse. I’ve known that my ex decided that I had to be the bad guy so that he could convince himself that his actions were appropriate…but up until yesterday, I thought his quest to demonize me was a private one. I wish I could say I was surprised he took it public, and quite successfully at that…but nothing he does surprises me anymore.
I wish I could say I’m angry, but I’m not. I’m just hurt that he took it here. If he needed to walk away for himself, that’s fine, I can deal with that. What I can’t deal with is being disrespected and shouldered with all of the blame. I know it’s easier to ignore your own shortcomings, find faults in everyone else, and slash and burn relationships that threaten to expose your weaknesses than it is to actually face them…but at what point do people stop running from themselves and actually deal with their shit?
So I haven’t posted much about my Back to School adventures…mostly because I was nervous that if I documented them I wouldn’t get in anywhere and then I’d look like a fool. BUT…I heard back from school #1 today…
Accepted :-)
Still waiting to hear from two other schools, fingers crossed I get the same results. But either way, I will be sitting in a classroom again in another 2.5 months.
Please reblog this to help strike a blow against pediatric cancer. I will post on Sunday exactly how much I’ve raised by doing this!
My Experience With The United Healthcare Death Panel
codykniffen: Please read the whole thing… it’ll take five minutes of your busy day.
(reblogged via ericvictorino)
I know a lot of younger people who think this health care debate doesn’t concern them. Why should they care? For the most part they are healthy - in their minds they are practically invincible. They aren’t thinking about high premiums, co-pays, deductibles, bills or paperwork - they are worried about more important things like where the party’s at or who to try and have casual oral sex with next. (I can’t say I’m not a little jealous, in this case ignorance is bliss.)
I posted here earlier this year my story of how my long lost father sent me a letter in the mail - A letter that changed my life in more ways than one. He said in his letter that he had ordered my books from Amazon, that he enjoyed them, although he wished to defend himself and that he was not the monster I had made him out to be in my writings - at this point in the letter I felt the emotions you’d expect - lots of anger and resentment, some sadness, lots of questions - but as I continued reading the subject matter took a strange turn…
“One of your young cousins you never met just died of an embolism… He had a rare but sometimes fatal blood disorder called Factor V Leiden. You and your brother should get tested immediately”
Oh.
Thanks, dad.
Factor V Leiden causes hypercoagulability in the blood. There’s a protein whose job is to tell the blood when it’s time to stop clotting - but that protein, with Factor V Leiden, does not work properly. So the blood clots into a bump on an artery, then a long string starts to form, anchored to the wall of the vein - blood continues streaming by and along the string form little bulbs of clots - much like a string of kelp - swaying in the sea - until one day the entire mass snaps off and goes with the flow… Ultimately ending up in the heart or the lungs.
So I got tested for this thing the week I got the letter and the results came back positive.
After a tiny bit of crying and a lot of self pitty, I ordered a medic-alert necklace online and tried to go about the business of being my normal scatterbrained multitasking dreamer self.
I have to look at it like this, nothing has changed aside from my knowledge of the situation. But I’e made it this far just fine…
So now I live with grossly increased risks of stroke, heart attack, pulmonary embolisms and deep vein thrombosis complications. Or, to be more clear, I am now aware of the fact that I have always been living with these time bombs ticking inside of my body.
I could get on blood thinning medication, but the list of side effects and the possibilities of non-stop-bleed-to-death car accidents and bar fights mean, for now, sitting around and waiting for the blood clots is my best bet.
Ultimately the diagnosis has not changed me much - I eat right, exercise, I don’t smoke anymore - I’m healthier than I have been since grade school. Besides, I’ve always tried to live my whole life like I could get hit by a bus at any time - Only thing that’s different now is there are now a few more buses out to get me.
My doctor says I should be very paranoid and vigilant with my body, especially my legs and that I should see a specialist or go to the emergency room if I feel anything strange, any weird pains deep in my legs or my arms. If there are any bruised or reddened areas, warm to the touch… All duly noted. Thanks Doc.
A couple of months pass without incident until one weekend, after returning home from a trip to Kansas City where I played a show, I found myself rubbing my right calf a lot - the area was warm and achey - I had taken a total of four plane rides on that trip but I did my leg stretching and exercises mid-flight like I was told to - but there was this dull pain deep inside my leg that would not go away no matter how much I tried to ignore it.
Eventually my wife noticed my slight limp and how I was absentmindedly stroking my leg while we sat on the couch watching movies…
“I’m taking you to the doctor, let’s go,” she said.
“What? It’s eleven at night, we can’t go to the emergency room for this.”
“I’ll grab your phone for you, get your shoes on.”
I can’t argue with her when she’s like that - Not that I should, she only gets like that when she’s right.
We arrived at the hospital at 11:15 and checked in.
Then we waited for two hours with the bruised and the bleeding before a nurse took me into what looked like a trauma room, complete with leather restraining straps on the bed and an operation mirror lamp.
For the following two hours my wife and I played a game of “Spot the Spot” - finding tiny blood spatters on the floor-runners, the handles of cabinets and on the ceiling…
Making what could be a much more tedious story a little shorter; By 6:30 am I was discharged from the hospital having had one ultrasound procedure done, to listen to the blood flow in my leg. They found nothing out of the ordinary and we went home.
Less than a month later I received a letter from United Healthcare’s DEATH PANEL just letting me know that they wouldn’t be covering me for anything that might happen to me having to do with my blood disorder because it is a pre-existing condition. In other words, if I were to have a heart attack or a stroke or anything even remotely having to do with blood clots, I’m shit out of luck. Not like they’d pay fifty percent instead of eighty percent, not like they’d send me to a doctor of their choosing instead of mine, not like they’d recommend a less expensive method of treatment, just NO. Sorry. United will not cover a penny of my expenses.
I understand, I can see their point - It’s my fault I was born with a blood disorder less than %5 of Eurasians of carry.
It’s my fault I’ve been paying my hard earned cash every month to this gang of white collar racketeers, all the while thinking I was buying some sort of peace of mind. It’ my fault I’ve been dumb enough to think “If anything goes wrong, I have health insurance to take care of me.”
My doctor said to take any abnormality seriously - go in whenever I notice something weird in my limbs - Now I have bill collectors coming after me for three thousand dollars for my little emergency room visit. Calls to attorneys unreturned.
I watch the arguments on TV and wonder how much these right wing assholes must be getting paid by the Healthcare Industry to take their side. Maybe they don’t get money though, maybe they just get to be on some “No small print” list - Maybe they just get the premium treatment where if they need medical attention they’ll get it. Lucky elitists.
People like Sarah Palin are spreading lies about the coming government death panels who’ll decide the fate of our citizens. They have obviously never been told by their private insurance companies, “Now that we know there’s a good chance you’ll need medical attention in the near future, we’ve decided to cut you off.” I wonder if her special-needs baby will ever have to deal with this regarding his pre-existing condition.
They talk on TV about how a government run health care program would mean government people getting between you and your doctor, as though having a bunch of people at United Healthcare working around the clock to find new ways to fuck people out of the treatment they think they’ve paid for is any better.
These congressmen and governors, these government employees suddenly think it’s a good thing for us to be afraid of our elected officials and their ‘marxist’ ways. (meanwhile they’ve forgotten about the 700 billion dollars stolen from the public as a final kick in the ass from the Bush administration.) These people probably couldn’t define Socialism if they were asked to.
If they think it means big government, they’re only partly right.
In a lot of ways I think the government is too small. I want more.
I want it to be illegal for insurance companies to exclude patients for pre-existing conditions. I want there to be health care options that I can afford. I want to know there will be a doctor cutting me open or stitching me up when I need one, regardless of whether some prick at a desk somewhere thinks I’m worth the money or not.
I want laws in place to protect me from corporations in the health care industry - not the other way around.
I want it to be mandatory that people buy health insurance, private or public, just like it’s mandatory that we all have car insurance. People without car insurance drive up the premiums for all of us, so much that government now requires all drivers to have car insurance. Is that Socialism?
I want the electricity and the water that magically come straight into my house to keep on coming, safe and reliable as always. I want the roads I drive on to be smooth, I want the cops to come when I need them and the firemen too - I want the mailman to bring those checks to my PO box - I want the airlines to be monitored and regulated, I want the food I by at restaurants and grocery stores to not make me sick.
If that’s socialism, then sign me up.
